


City Sounds

by Kosmokat



Category: Placebo
Genre: Brian Molko - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Placebo - Freeform, trans OC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:49:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10107980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kosmokat/pseuds/Kosmokat
Summary: Brian is always singing and Caspar is always listening.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Aight so I haven't published shit in a super long time so bear with me. Also, the trans character, Caspar Yoshida, is written by a trans person (me) so don't worry. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!!!!

Caspar stood in the middle of his shoe box of an apartment. He was looking around, trying to find something before he got distracted. 

Through the wall on his left he could hear the neighbor singing something and playing guitar. Caspar could always hear whatever his neighbor was doing, and he could hear him in return. He sat on his bed and listened quietly. 

The neighbor's singing voice was high pitched and almost feminine sounding, which Caspar liked. He enjoyed hearing him sing constantly. To him it was like living next door to a Disney princess. 

Caspar shuffled around his apartment, finally deciding to clean up a bit. Piles of clothing laid around everywhere and trash was scattered over everything. 

His apartment was never usually this messy, but he hadn't felt motivated in the past week to clean it. 

Deciding to take a break, he climbed out on the fire escape to smoke. The cool night air blew gently through his short hair. He always loved his hair, even when he hated the rest of his body. 

The window next to him slid open a boy about twenty four with a jaw length black bob stuck his head out. 

"Hello," he said with amusement. Caspar looked at him and grinned. "So you're the person I hear singing all the time," He said. He watched as his neighbor crawled out of the window and sat next to him. 

"I'm Brian," he said, offering his tiny pale hand. "I'm Caspar," the other male replied. They shook hands and Caspar offered his companion a cigarette. 

"You're my favorite person in this building already," Brian said. He took a long drag while Caspar examined him. Brian was very girlish and his voice was high pitched and almost whiny. 

"Are you...are you wearing eyeliner?" He asked, leaning closer to him. "I am. Why do you ask?" Brian laughed, turning to Caspar. "I was just wondering. I have some old makeup if you'd like to poke through it," he offered. He lit a cigarette and waited for his response. 

"If I come into your apartment you might strangle me," he teased. Brian didn't look at Caspar; instead he stared off at the buildings around them. "Oh please, do I really look like the strangling type?" He teased back. Brian glanced at him and nearly smiled. 

"I've never seen you around, but I can always hear you," Caspar told him. He took another drag and waited. "I don't annoy you?" He asked. "Not really," he said, looking up at the sky. 

"You're the best person in this whole building," Brian said, grinning like a fool. "C'mon, come look at my makeup," Caspar said, leading him into his apartment. Brian put out his cigarette and followed him inside. 

He stood and gazed around at the furniture and wall hangings. Camera equipment sat around everywhere. Caspar walked over to a small vanity and pulled open a large drawer. 

"What's the flag?" Brian asked, nodding towards the bed. "Trans pride. I'm transgender," he replied carefully. He didn't look up at Brian. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear his response. He didn't say anything, instead he just nodded. 

Caspar insisted Brian sit on the chair that was pulled up to the vanity while he kneeled. 

"I've got a few eyeliners and eye shadows. Oh, and some red lipsticks. They might look good on you," he said, picking through the drawer. He pulled out four tubes of varying shades of lipstick

"Come here, I'll put it on you," he told him. He leaned forward towards Brian, who's breath smelled like an ashtray, and started to carefully apply the color. 

"Hell yeah, this is totally your color," he mumbled, focusing on Brian's mouth. "Your teeth are so pretty," Caspar mumbled again. He dragged his left thumb under his bottom lip to clean up the line. 

"Can I ask you something?" Brian questioned when Caspar took the tube away. "Shoot," he replied, scrutinizing the other man's mouth. "Do the lip thing," he told him when he decided the application was good. He capped the lipstick and glanced back at him. 

"Why do you have all this camera equipment?" He asked. Caspar handed him a mirror to look at the color. "Holy shit."

"You like it?" He giggled, looking at him excitedly. "Anyway, I'm a photographer. I have weird props to try and be artistic. I usually only do self portraits, but lately I'm lacking in inspiration."

He sat back on his heels and gazed around at the space. Brian was pawing through the makeup and picking out what he liked. 

"Anyway, what do you do?" He asked Brian. "This and that. I'm trying to get a band together at the moment," he responded cooly. "Ah, that sounds fun. I can play piano, but that's probably not what you're looking for," Caspar replied. All four tubes of lipstick were now on the vanity, as he decided he liked them. 

"I think all your choices of lipstick colors are great," Caspar said approvingly. His voice trailed off and Brian stared at the makeup distantly. 

Caspar couldn't help but think about how androgynous Brian was. His face was so soft and feminine with the nasally high pitched voice to match. He couldn't help but think about how gorgeous he would look in full makeup and lingerie. 

"Anyway, thank you," Brian said suddenly. "Oh yeah, of course. I don't really use them for anything besides photos," he replied. They stood up and Caspar realized he was about five inches taller than Brian. 

"You wanna go through the front door maybe?" He teased, smiling down at him. He grinned back and let Caspar lead him to the door. 

"I'll see you around," Brian told him before saying goodnight. When Caspar shut the door he grinned widely. 

"God he's so cute," he whispered to no one.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you cats go, chapter two

Sunlight danced on Caspar's large area rug while the city clamored outside of the apartment complex. It was eleven in the morning and he still hadn't bothered to leave his bed. Nothing could be heard from Brian's apartment. 

Must be still asleep, he thought. Finally, he crawled out from under the covers and stumbled to the window. Hoisting it open, he crawled out onto the fire escape and lit a cigarette. 

Manhattan was cloudy and it looked like rain. A cold breeze made Caspar shiver as he took a long drag. He pulled the sleeves of his black sweatshirt over his hands. He longed for company and a blanket. 

Just as he finished his morning cigarette Brian's window slid open. "Good morning, Caspar."

Caspar grinned lazily and patted the metal catwalk as an invitation to sit. He offered a cigarette, which Brian took, and lit it. When he finished taking a drag, a phone in Caspar's apartment rang. 

"Oh shit," he mumbled, climbing clumsily in the window. He tumbled to the floor before stumbling to the Nokia on his desk. 

"Are you alright?" Brian asked cautiously while looking in the window. "Yeah, fine," he mumbled back absentmindedly. He accepted the call and held the brick of a cellphone to his ear. 

"Hello?" He asked cautiously. "Hello, Katsumi. I'm calling to invite you to a family reunion this Friday. We will be staying for a weekend at the Gargoyle Bed and Breakfast. I expect you will be able to come," his dad said sternly. Caspar was scowling at the floor in confusion. His birth name made him cringe and he felt nauseous. 

Brian had crawled in the window and was now standing next to him, still smoking. He was wearing blue and white striped boxers with a grey crew neck. His skin was pink from the outside chill. 

"Yeah, I should be able to make it," he replied, internally and externally panicking. "Your voice sounds different," Mr. Yoshida noted. "I, uh, have a cold," he stalled. "Never the matter. Your family looks forward to seeing you, goodbye," he said finally, and hung up. Caspar pulled the phone away from his ear. 

"Fuck," he mumbled. He set the Nokia down and continued to stare at the floor. "What's wrong?" Brian asked. "My dad just called. He invited me to a family reunion this Saturday," he told him tensely. "I'm not out to any of my family yet. And even worse, my parents have this thing where if I'm not in a serious relationship by the time I'm 25, I'm written out of the will."

"Oh my god, why?" Brian asked. "They figure that if I don't need to provide for anyone but myself, I don't need the money," he explained. "What are you going to do?" He asked again. "I don't know, die?" He mumbled, walking to the kitchen table and sitting down. Brian took another drag and stared at the floor. 

"Go out with me," Caspar said suddenly. "What?" He asked. "Just for a week. One week is all I need and then you can go on your way," he begged. "Do you really think I'm gonna be able to convince people I've never met of us being in love?" He questioned. "You never know until you try!" He offered cautiously, trying to smile in a convincing way. 

"Alright, but I'm not going to do anything outlandish," Brian said reluctantly. "Thank you so much!" He exclaimed. Caspar got up from the table and kissed Brian on the cheek. 

"If anyone asks, my name is Katsumi," he said sternly. 

/

Caspar was digging through his small closet. He was specifically looking for anything feminine that didn't require breasts. He had saved up the money and had gotten top surgery about a year ago. The only reason why he still kept some women's clothes laying around was for this exact situation. 

Caspar's parents were very strict about a boy dressing like a boy and a girl dressing like a girl. He hated every second of it. Unfortunately it was Wednesday and he barely had time to mentally prepare himself. 

Brian had not yet been given the full rundown of Caspar's family. He was going to have to explain who everyone was and what lies to tell them. He was also going to tell them that they had to keep the luggage amount narrow. Caspar's only form of transportation was a small motorcycle. He didn't bother to ask whether or not Brian had a car. He knew the answer would be no. 

Someone knocked at the front door and he stood up to open it. "Hey B," Caspar replied, grinning like an idiot. Brian smiled back as he was invited in. 

"Alright, so I yoinked out my handy dandy white board to tell you about my family," he explained, pulling out the dry erase. "Did you just say 'yoinked'?" He asked, sitting down at the kitchen table. "Yes, but that's not the point," he told him seriously. Brian had a dreamlike look on his doll face. 

"Okay, so first and foremost we have my Oba and Oji from my dad's side. You can call them Mr. and Mrs. Yoshida. They're pretty old and kind of strict so maybe no nail polish around them," he told him. "There won't really be a lot of family considering they're all spread out. There isn't really all that much to worry about.

"Alright, my dad is also Mr. Yoshida and he is Japanese. My mom's name is Carolyn Ackerman and she's just as scary as my dad. They wanted me to marry a doctor but seeing as you can't pass as a doctor we have to think of something else," he went on to say. "I have one twin sister and her name is Akito. She has two kids named Opal and Sophia."

As Caspar explained all of this he drew out a family tree. Brian was very focused on the dry erase scrawl. 

"Alright, that's probably all of them. The point is, no nail polish, no makeup, and we're going to have to fix your hair," he told him finally. "Good god, it's like living with my dad all over again," he mumbled, looking up at Caspar. He hid his face in his hands. 

"Are you gonna be able to do this?" He asked cautiously. "You're clearly putting yourself at further lengths than I am. I'm not the one that has to be a girl," he said plainly. "My family is kind of awful, I'm sorry," he apologized. He pulled out a chair and sat down next to Brian. 

"I owe you my life for this," he said honestly, staring him straight in his blue eyes. "Anything you need me to do in order to pay you back, I'll do it."

"Relax. All I want right now is a cigarette," he told him. He grabbed a pack off the counter and tossed it to him. 

"Can I just say that I'm really grateful for you agreeing to do this," Caspar said as Brian lead himself to the only window in the shoe box of an apartment. He turned to look at the other male that was still seated at the table. 

Brian snorted and paused where he stood. "We're not dating yet silly, you don't have to be that nice to me," he said simply. And with that he crawled out of the window and to the fire escape. 

Caspar leaned out on the sill and watched him smoke. Brian was so effortlessly delicate with the way he held not only objects, but also himself. He was so pale and so fragile looking Caspar didn't want to speak too loudly around him. 

"What are you looking at?" Brian giggled, looking at him. "Sorry, nothing I guess. Oh, try to compact the amount of stuff you're bringing. We're going to be taking my motorcycle," he explained. "Oh dear god," he mumbled nervously in response. He grinned anxiously. 

"Don't worry, I have two helmets, you're not going to die before we even get there," he explained. He nodded and pulled a long drag. Caspar watched Brian shiver as a cold breeze blew over them. 

"Come inside, you're gonna get sick."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It just keeps getting gayer

When the evening rolled around Brian and Caspar sat around eating pizza for dinner. He had explained to Brian earlier that he had off that week on account of the library being remodeled. Brian himself was starting work at a record shop next week. 

"Is it the one in town? Black Cat something something?" Caspar asked. "Yeah, you got it," he mumbled, looking down at his slice of pizza. "Hey, are you sure you wanna do this whole 'weekend with my family' thing?" He asked anxiously, looking at Brian. The bright kitchen lights illuminated his pale face and light eyes. 

"I'm not going to back out. That's a shitty thing to do," he said, glancing up at Caspar. His silver hair fell around his dark eyes and highlighted his slightly Japanese features. He noticed dark roots on the boy sitting across from him. 

"I know, but if you honestly don't want to you don't have to. Besides, it's kind of gross for me to drag along an unwilling captive just so I can inherit money," Caspar pointed out. "Let me help you," Brian insisted quietly in a very nasal tone. He sighed and gave an irritated look in response. 

"Can you do me a favor and dye my hair for me? My parents will freak if they see my hair like this," Caspar asked. He nodded and took one last bite of pizza before grabbing the box of dye in the middle of the table. 

"It's really easy to do it, I just normally get it all over myself," he explained. "I've always wanted to be a hair stylist," Brian joked. He opened the box, read through the instructions, and stood up from the table. 

"Yeah, I can do this no problem," he mumbled, still looking over the pamphlet. Caspar pulled his chair out from the table and pulled off his shirt. Brian glanced up from the box and stared straight at his chest. The two scars that signified where his breasts used to be now presented themselves to him. He couldn't help but reach out and touch a finger to one of them. 

"They're supposed to fade," Caspar mumbled, looking at Brian. His finger traced one of the scars gently. "I like them," he mumbled back. He pulled his hand away and blushed slightly at his own impulsiveness. 

Caspar's eyes lingered on him a second longer before sitting down on the chair he had pulled out. Brian immediately started to work on his hair. He carefully squeezed out the black dye, working his way around the hairline. 

"I'm kind of bummed out I have to dye my hair dark again. I got the silver professionally done," Caspar told him while he fiddled with his fingers. "The silver was pretty," Brian mumbled, focused on his hair. He didn't say it, but he preferred dark hair. 

"My haircut isn't very feminine and that makes me worry. When I got it cut I was going for that style that David Bowie had when it was orange, you know? With that cute blonde streak, I mean," Caspar explained. "I really think you nailed that," Brian said in response. He was dyeing around his ears now. 

"Thank you. I've been trying to be masculine for years now and I'm afraid being feminine again will make me dysphoric," he said quietly. "I don't expect you to know what that feels like, but it's awful."

Brian hummed a response and tried to focus. He had somewhat dealt with gender dysphoria but not as badly as Caspar. His feelings on gender were always very loose and he embraced natural feminism. 

"Anyway, I appreciate you doing this for me. I didn't have enough cash to go to a salon and I suck ass at doing it myself," he said finally. "It's no issue. You just owe me big time," Brian replied jokingly. "God, at this point I might as well give you my mortal soul," he said sarcastically. Brian giggled at the older man. Caspar brushed a few strands of remaining silver hair from his eyes. 

"Wait, these hairs that are still in front here?" He pointed out. "Yeah, what about them?" Brian asked. "Leave them out. I wanna be a goth David Bowie," he told him. "Are you sure your parents won't be mad at you?" He questioned to be sure. "Oh they definitely will be, but I care about aestheticism more," he replied honestly. Brian agreed and finished up the dye job. 

"Alright, you're done. You have a timer right?" He asked. Caspar nodded and got up to set the timer on the oven. 

-

Warm water droplets hit the plastic floor of the shower loudly. Black dye residue ran down Caspar's pale body and into the drain, swirling down the pipes. He stood still and very carefully scrubbed the dye off his head. 

Shutting the water off, Caspar stepped out of the shower and dried himself off. He tied the white towel around his waist and shuffled out of the bathroom. Clean pajamas were folded on his bed and he took his time to pull them on. 

Brian had left about half an hour ago, explaining that he needed to pick up some things. Just as he had finished getting dressed, a knock sounded on his door. Caspar got up and was excited to see Brian in a coat, face pink from the cold. 

He grinned at him and shuffled inside. He set four plastic bags on the kitchen table and pulled his coat off. Caspar hung up his coat and watched as he put take out containers on the table. 

"Brian! You're not allowed to buy dinner for me!" Caspar shrieked. "Technically it's not for you, it's for both of us," he pointed out. "Oh shut up. I'll pay you back," he insisted. "Don't. Let me bring you dinner," Brian told him. He opened the last bag and pulled out a bottle of red wine. 

"Oh my god! Brian! This is too much!" He exclaimed. "Cas, shut up. We're going to eat dinner and get to know each other so we can pass this weekend with flying colors," he said finally. "Alright, fine," he mumbled in response. Caspar grabbed some silverware, wine glasses, and a bottle opener before sitting down at the table. 

Brian popped the bottle open and poured wine for the both of them. Caspar showed him how to unfold the boxes to make plates, which blew his mind. He grinned at the blue eyed boy and shoved a spoonful of rice in his mouth. 

Caspar didn't know it, but Brian absolutely loved being near him. He loathed being by himself and stuck in his own head. He was sucking up every second of Caspar's company. He loved the way he laughed and the way he would react to kind gestures. 

"Do you ever have anyone visit you?" Caspar asked after they had been silent for a few minutes. "No. My parents are divorced and don't live in America. I have a brother but I don't usually speak to him," Brian responded. "That's sad," he mumbled. "I guess. I'm used to being alone," he said absentmindedly. "Well, you're not alone anymore. You might as well live with me, you're over here so often," Caspar joked. He looked up from the plastic container of beef and broccoli. 

"Does it bother you that I'm over here a lot?" Brian asked anxiously. "No! Why would that bother me? No one visits me either," he reassured. Brian looked down at his food. He felt unsure and almost queasy. He didn't know how Caspar really felt about him and it made him nervous. 

He felt like their dependency wasn't mutual. He was almost sure that he was all in for Caspar, but Caspar wasn't legitimately interested in him. Brian was just so lonely and sick of himself that he couldn't distinguish his real feelings. 

"Is something wrong? You seem stressed," Caspar asked cautiously. "Yeah, stressed over the fact they didn't give us sweet and sour sauce," Brian lied. "Oh my god. Well the lack of sauce doesn't bother me," he responded. He drank some of his wine, trying to only focus on the situation at hand.


	4. Chapter 4

Caspar giggled loudly while Brian stumbled onto the fire escape. He tumbled out of the window next to him, grinning wildly. Caspar snorted while he took a drag on his cigarette. They had both drank entirely too much wine and were very giddy. 

"Baby, give me one," Brian whined. "Nope!" Caspar teased, holding the pack of cigarettes away from him. "C'mon! I need one!" He begged. "I don't think so," Caspar taunted, scooting away from him. He had slid about five feet from Brian, who sat on his knees facing him. 

"Don't play keep away with me," Brian said lowly, crawling on his hands and knees towards the other man. Caspar smirked and watched as he came closer. Brian's face was right in front of him, barely illuminated by the lights from the street. 

He stared into his blue eyes and reached to tuck a strand of black hair back behind his ear. Brian bit his lip and stared straight into Caspar's face. 

"I told you not to play keep away," he whispered as he leaned toward his ear. He pulled away, pack of cigarettes in hand. "Goddamnit," Caspar mumbled, disappointed that he lost the game. Brian crawled back to his spot in front of the window and lit his cigarette. 

"You ruined the game," Caspar pouted. He scooted next to Brian and took a few more drags on his own cigarette. He put his head down on his shoulder and listened to the city below. Brian's hand was on his knee and he traced patterns into the black denim. 

The night air was incredibly cold and neither of them were wearing coats. They sat close, drunk and tired, trying to get warm. 

-

When morning rolled around, well, late afternoon, Caspar's head ached and his stomach didn't feel too good either. He stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. He vomited twice, his stomach instantly feeling better. 

He groaned and decided to shower before getting something for breakfast. The warm water made him feel better and seemed to wash away the hangover. 

He stepped out of the bathroom and pulled on clean boxers and a shirt before opening the fridge. He dug around a bit before pulling out some fruit. 

He walked over to the window with his breakfast and looked out over the city. Cars drove in and out of sight. People occupied the sidewalks, rushing and pink faced. It was the beginning of December and everything was covered with Christmas decorations. 

Caspar listened for any sign of Brian being awake, but he heard nothing. He decided to get dressed and head out to run errands. 

"Okay, I need a candle, more clementines, some assorted vegetables, lightbulbs, bleach, and paper towels," he told himself, scrawling it down in Japanese characters. He was of course fluent in it, along with German and French. It was very important to his parents that he was fully educated and embraced his cultures. 

Caspar stepped out onto the sidewalk. The air was too cold and the sun was too bright. He didn't like being out, but he needed to pick up things. He couldn't help but think about Brian, probably warm in bed, fast asleep. He wished he wasn't out in the cold and by himself. 

He walked two blocks to the nearest market and picked up all the things on his list. As he browsed the candles, a section of them stood for different things. He picked out a dark red one which said 'SEX' on it. Caspar smirked to himself before setting it in his basket. 

He paid for his groceries and then left quickly. He didn't care for being out in public. As he walked on the crowded sidewalk a woman in a fur coat bumped into him. 

"WATCH IT!" She yelled at him as she kept walking quickly. Caspar scowled and continued to walk home. Once back in the apartment, he pulled off his coat. The building seemed oddly quiet for the middle of the afternoon. 

Oh well, it is a Thursday, he thought to himself, everyone must be at work. 

He put his groceries away and took his daily medications, one for depression and a mood stabilizer. He was always bad at remembering to take them. He never forgot to take his testosterone, on the other hand. 

He had grown used to injecting it into his thigh every Friday. Going on hormones was so exciting for him. Caspar remembered feeling like he was going to finally love his body. It had taken time, and his doctors helped him, but he really did love himself. 

Caspar sat down at the kitchen table and started to peel another orange. Clementines were the only thing he readily ate in the winter. The building was so silent and he felt queasy. He decided to watch Alien for what was most likely the millionth time. 

The small television started to play the old VHS and Caspar settled onto his bed. He wanted to smoke but he didn't move. He turned up the volume, but still felt empty. 

-

"Shit, am I forgetting something? I have two nice dresses, two pairs of heels, and some makeup. I have to stuff a bra tomorrow and put on something that makes me look like a girl," Caspar said to himself. He had been packing for tomorrow's trip. It was almost five thirty, and he hadn't seen hide nor hair of Brian. 

"Should I go over and knock?" He asked himself. Caspar sat on the floor cross legged, trying to figure out what to do. Just as he was deciding to get up, someone knocked at the door. 

Caspar unlocked the door and pulled it open. Brian stood in the hallway, looking upset. 

"Hey, what's up?" He asked cautiously, not wanting to upset him any further. "Uh, nothing. I just finished packing and wanted to see what the plan is," Brian lied. Caspar knew he was lying, but he didn't press. 

"Well, Gargoyle is like, two hours away and my dad wants us to at least be there by lunch. So we'll bounce about nine thirty. How does that sound?" Caspar told him. He walked over to the fridge and pulled it open. He took out two containers of leftovers and started to microwave one of them. 

"I'll be ready to go. I made sure to pack the most masculine things I own," he replied, sitting down on the kitchen table. "Also, is there a way I can not use your deadname?"

"I guess you can still call me 'Caspar' and we can tell my family it's an inside joke. I really appreciate you trying to avoid my birth name. It kind of makes me wanna throw up when I hear it," he said. He opened the microwave and put the second box in. 

"I don't know what you're going through, but I want to make sure you're going to be okay. I enjoy being around you and I want this to go well," Brian told him honestly, getting up from the table. He stood in front of Caspar, looking up at him with his big blue eyes. 

"I appreciate it more than you could ever imagine," he replied quietly, looking down at him. He grinned warmly and pulled Brian against him. "Thank you for being here."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to the people that left comments. That was rlly sweet and I rlly appreciate it!!!!

Wind whipped around the pair as they stood in the parking lot. They both looked up at the Gargoyle, which was of course adorned with all sizes of stone creatures. They were both carrying their backpacks and motorcycle helmets. It was freezing cold outside, but neither wanted to go in. 

"Well, we've been standing here for all about five years, I guess it's time we go inside," Caspar said quietly. Brian grabbed his gloved hand and gave it a squeeze. 

"It's going to be alright. We can do this," he reassured. He grinned at him warmly. They finally walked inside, hands still clasped. 

The inside of the bed and breakfast was incredibly ornate and upscale. The walls were papered with purple damask print and small gargoyles sat everywhere along with exotic plants. Caspar's parents appeared from a large ballroom and greeted him. 

"We're glad to see you," his mother told him, giving him a hug. His father embraced him awkwardly before staring down Brian. 

"Mom, dad, this is Brian, my boyfriend," he explained, still gripping his hand nervously. "It's nice to meet you," they told him, shaking his hand. "We're just about to have lunch. The bellhop will take your bags up to your room, then you can join us," his father said to them. A man in a grey uniform took their backpacks and helmets. He set them on a cart and towed them away. 

A woman took their coats and catalogued them before they went to have lunch. Caspar's sister Akito, and her two kids were already sitting at the table. 

"Kat! It's been such a long time!" His sister said. "Hey Kit, I missed you. How are you guys?" He asked Opal and Sophia. They sat down together and he introduced Brian again. 

"How long have you been together?" His mother asked, sipping some white wine. "Oh goodness, going on three and a half years now, I believe," Caspar lied, looking over at his fake boyfriend. Brian grinned at him reaffirmingly.

"How did you meet?" Kit asked. "We met in a library," he explained. "Yeah, after I spilled my coffee on her," Brian falsely recalled. "Oh my! Were you alright?" His mother asked. "Oh yeah, it was no big deal. Besides, I'm grateful for it. If he didn't I don't think we would be dating," Caspar said affectionally. He leaned over and kissed Brian's temple. 

"And what do you do?" Mr. Yoshida asked. "Well, I'm going to school now to be an architect," he lied. "Oh? You think that they would want you to have shorter hair," his mother quipped rather rudely. "I'm actually growing it out to donate for cancer research," Brian replied, taking none of Mrs. Yoshida's bullshit. Caspar was surprised at his ability to lie on the fly like that. 

"You really hooked a good one!" Kit joked. The waiter arrived with their food and set it down on the table. Caspar had absolutely zero desire to eat. Brian squeezed his knee from under the table. He knew that he was fading fast. 

Caspar's family kept asking Brian questions throughout lunch until the waiter took their dirty plates. "We're planning to go to the Snowflake Festival in the village tonight before dinner. We want to leave by six. How does that sound?" Mrs. Yoshida told the couple. They both consented before heading up to their room. 

"I feel like I'm going to vomit," Caspar mumbled as he shuffled into the bathroom. He sat down on the cold bathroom tile. Brian sprawled out on the large king bed in the center of the room. 

"You're doing a good job at keeping yourself together. This will be over before you know it," he told him reassuringly. He picked himself up from the bed and sat down next to him on the floor. Brian smelled like peppermint and cigarettes. 

"I'm usually not the type of person to regret things, but I'm starting to wish I was dead," Caspar mumbled, putting his head on Brian's shoulder. "I'm sorry this is so hard for me. This should be fun and relaxing. It's an expensive and fancy trip, I feel bad that you can't enjoy it."

"Cas, this isn't about me. I care way more about how you're doing mentally. I appreciate you and I want you to be alright more than anything else," Brian told him. "I want you to be comfortable. You're important to me and I know you're going to be okay."

-

Six o'clock had finally rolled around after hours of socializing with Caspar's family. They were just getting off his motorcycle when Opal and Sophia bounded up to them. 

"Why do you look like a girl?" Sophia asked Brian. She was only six and didn't realize that she had just said was rude. Opal was nine and knew better. 

"Soph! That's rude!" She whispered to her sister, nudging her with her elbow. "It's fine. Why do you look like you're ready to drink tons and tons of hot chocolate?" He joked back. Caspar was proud of his response. 

"Cause I am!" Sophia yelled excitedly. Her mother took her hand and they walked into the festival. Brian held Caspar's hand and tucked it away in his pocket. He felt better knowing he had someone on his side. 

Christmas lights were strung up everywhere and music played loudly. People were selling food and dancing. Kids ran and laughed excitedly, even though it was freezing. Caspar tried his hardest to ground himself. He felt like he was spiraling away from his body. 

"Hey, you alright? You wanna sit down?" Brian asked him quietly. Caspar nodded and he lead him to a bench. "I don't know what's going on. I would say that I'm not normally like this, but I haven't seen my family in ages so I guess that's the issue," he explained quietly. Brian put his head on his shoulder. 

"I think we look romantic," he mumbled, watching the people walk by. "That's the goal," Caspar said quietly. He watched small children, old people, and couples walk by. His breath came out in white clouds that made him want to smoke. 

"I think there's going to be fireworks," Brian told him. "Ooh, I like fireworks. Maybe we can get some cotton candy..." he trailed. They stood up from the bench and walked over to a booth. 

"What color do you want?" Brian asked him, looking up at the cellophane bags that held the candy floss. "Uh...purple. But I'm not letting you pay for it," he told him. They stood in line behind two teenagers who were ordering hot dogs. 

"Fat chance!" Brian exclaimed, stepping up in line. "Goddamnit," Caspar mumbled. "Hi, I'll take a bag of the purple cotton candy and a blue one, please," he said. He paid the two dollars and handed a bag to his fake boyfriend. 

"You suck," Caspar pouted. "I'm paying you back for all those cigarettes you gave me," he told him, grinning widely. He scowled back and they walked through the crowds. 

"The lights are so pretty," Brian said quietly in awe. "I suppose. But you know who's prettier?" Caspar asked. Brian hummed in response. "Me," he said proudly. Brian scoffed and punched him in the shoulder. 

"That was uncalled for!" He exclaimed. A group of kids rushed passed them with candy apples. "You know, out of all people I could've been here with, I'm glad you're with me," Caspar told him. Brian's cheeks flushed as he buried his nose in his scarf. 

They finished their cotton candy and watched as a few couples danced to someone playing violin. They danced romantically to the slow music under the twinkling of Christmas lights. Caspar noticed his Oba and Oji standing and watching too. 

"C'mon, I wanna dance with you," he said, offering his fake boyfriend his gloved hand. Brian grinned shyly and they stepped into the group of other couples. 

"Have you ever slow danced before?" The taller male asked. "No. I moved schools too much when I was younger. Besides, even if I stayed, no one would ask me anyway," Brian replied. "Well, pretend this is prom and I'm your date," he offered. They stood close and swayed gently to the soft violin. 

The world around them seemed to melt away. All the anxiety and fear felt like it was drifting off someplace else. The only thing that mattered was the music and Brian. Caspar was so head-over-heels that he couldn't stop grinning. 

Fireworks began to go off, but they just kept looking at each other. Caspar leaned in closer and Brian looked up at him warmly. He could feel something bubbling up in his chest. 

Just then, he leaned in and kissed him. He felt like he was going to burst. It felt so right and so warm and safe. This is what people write songs and poetry about, Caspar thought to himself. He pulled away and looked at Brian. His blue eyes were glowing and he looked even more gorgeous under the Christmas lights.


	6. Chapter 6

"Oh my god, I can't ice skate! What the fuck!" Brian whispered nervously. It was an hour past breakfast and Caspar's family had planned ice skating as an activity. Everyone was already on the ice except for them, even though they both had skates on. 

"B, listen, I will make sure that nothing happens to you. It's going to be alright," Caspar promised, leading him out onto the rink. Brian held onto him tightly. He was trying is hardest to not fall. 

"How come your whole fucking family can ice skate?!" He hissed bitterly. "My grandparents are really into it and it's just been passed down," Caspar explained. He showed him how to move better and skate with more ease. They went around the rink twice before he decided it was time for a break. 

"My life flashed before my eyes the whole time," Brian said quietly, pulling his skates off and returning them. Caspar giggled and took his hand. They bought hot chocolate and walked around the park together. 

There were no waterfowl anywhere, they had all migrated in October. That kind of bummed Caspar considering he liked watching the swans. He couldn't help but think about sharing a bed with Brian. He had slept so much better and had woken up feeling over the moon. 

All he could think about was telling Brian how he felt. Even now, as they held hands and walked close, he couldn't work up the nerve. His head was racing to find the right words and string them together. Even if he could figure out what to say, he wouldn't say it. 

"Hey, are you alright?" Brian asked, interrupting his thoughts. "You seem really out of it. Earth to Caspar, I think you're floating away."

"Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind," he said absentmindedly. "Do you want to talk about it? We can sit down," he offered. He lead him to a bench and they sat down together. Caspar crunched a dead leaf under his boot. The fragments blew away with the breeze. 

"Okay, so what are your opinions on telling people things?" Caspar asked vaguely. "Well, I think you should tell people things all the time and be open. Life is short, you know? One second things are great and then the next the world could be ending," Brian said thoughtfully. It bothered him that he was kind of going against his own advice, but he kept quiet. 

"I suppose you're right," Caspar mumbled, looking out on the half frozen pond. "What's this about? If you don't mind me asking, I mean," he asked. "I wanna tell my parents that I hate them," he said spitefully. He grinned and looked over at Brian, who rolled his eyes in response. 

"I mean, if you think it's that important, than go for it, I guess...?" He said, kind of confused. "Sorry. I should stop being so bitter. It's ruining the mood," he joked. He tried to put off his feelings and thoughts. They stood up from the bench and walked back to the ice rink. Caspar caught his mom, who was holding Opal's hand while they skated. 

"Hey, Brian and I are gonna head back to Gargoyle. We'll meet you for lunch. My head has been bothering me and I think I need to lie down awhile. Is that alright?" He asked. "Fine with me. We'll see you when we get back," she told him before skating off. He watched his family on the rink before finally walking away. 

The pair put on their helmets and Caspar started his bike before taking off. They arrived back at the bed and breakfast within fifteen minutes. The weather was cold, but it didn't stop them from staying outside and smoking. Besides, Brian looked cute with pink cheeks and nose. 

"I don't think I told you this, but it was really nice kissing you," Caspar told him while he was sitting on the cold sidewalk. Brian's back was turned to him, as he was looking out at the parking lot. He turned and grinned at him. 

"I've been thinking about that too. Would it be alright if I kissed you again?" He asked. Caspar smiled excitedly and craned his neck. Brian walked closer to him and bent down slightly. Their lips met once, twice, and then three times. Their kisses lingered, getting longer each time. Brian pulled away and looked down at the other male. 

"I think I'm in love with you," he said quietly. "I think I'm in love with you too," Caspar replied, grinning up at tiny Brian, who's face was entirely all too pink. 

-

"How do I look?" Caspar asked. He had just stepped out of the bathroom wearing a dress, heels, and full makeup. His hair was pulled back with sparkly barrettes to look more feminine. 

"Uncomfortable," Brian replied, turning around from the mirror. He was wearing a suit and looking very dapper. He wished that he was the one in the dress, instead of a tie. 

Caspar walked over to the mirror in his small heels and looked over his makeup. His stomach was twisted in knots and he felt so uneasy. As he stood and looked at himself, tears began to pool in his eyes. 

"I can't do it," he mumbled, burying his face in his hands. Brain wrapped his thin arms around Caspar's waist. "I can't do it," he mumbled again, crying even harder into Brian's hair. They just stood and hugged for what seemed like forever. 

"What am I going to do? I just ruined my makeup and this is making me want to kill myself," he sobbed, holding his boyfriend tightly. "Shh, come sit on the bed, we'll sort this out," he told him. Sitting down, he pulled Caspar to him to calm him. 

"Do you want me to tell your family you don't feel well? We can hang out in here and relax while they get dinner..?" Brian suggested quietly. Caspar nodded and took a deep breath. 

"Alright, I'll go find them and tell them. You stay here and we'll work on recuperating you," he told him. He got up from the bed and closed the door behind him. Caspar stared off and started to cry again. He felt too uncomfortable and sick. Brian came back within five minutes and told him that his family sent their regards. 

"Alright, let's get that silly dress off of you," he said, standing Caspar up. He kicked off his black heels and Brian unzipped his dress. He was wearing a stuffed bra and boxers. Brian unclipped the bra and it fell to the floor. 

"I'll run you a bath, stay here," he told him. Caspar felt useless and dirty. The makeup that he had spent an hour on had run all down his cheeks. He looked a mess and felt even worse. 

His boyfriend called him into the bathroom and stepped out so he could get in the bathtub. He sat in the warm soapy water for a minute before he felt like crying again. 

"Brian?" He called quietly. "Yes?" He replied in a squeaky voice. "Can you come in here? I don't want to be alone," he requested, his voice cracking. Brian opened the bathroom door and shut it behind him. He sat down by the tub and looked at Caspar. 

"Oh Cas," he said quietly, looking at the wreck that he called his boyfriend. He grabbed a wash cloth and wet it to scrub the makeup off. He pulled the sparkly barrettes from his hair one by one and set them on the counter. 

"I'm so sorry. We were supposed to go to a nice dinner and I had a melt down like a five year old," Caspar said, clearly very ashamed. "Cas, I'd much rather hang out here with you than go to dinner. I don't want to spend time with your family, I want to spend time with you," he told him. Brian took off his suit coat and untied his tie. 

"You looked so nice though," he mumbled quietly, looking down at the soap in the bathtub. "I'd rather wear a dress," he told him. He unbuttoned his white shirt and pulled it off. 

"You're so tiny and delicate," Caspar cooed softly. "I wish I could just wrap you up in a big sweater and hold you all day so you don't get hurt."

Brian giggled and pulled off his pants. He stood in his boxers and socks, smiling at Caspar. His face was so pleasant and pretty. The bathroom light lit up his blue eyes and gorgeous smile. 

Caspar was completely and totally in love.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's one more chapter after this that's already pre written and I don't know how long it's gonna take me to finish up chapter nine just a heads up

"How many people have you dated?" Brian asked Caspar after he took a swig from a bottle of wine. "I dated a girl when I was sixteen. She had blue hair and tried too hard to be edgy. We were together for about three months and then I got sick of her and dumped her. I caught wind of her being a meth head. Then when I was eighteen I dated another girl who smelled like lemonade. We nearly dated for a year, but she didn't support me being trans so I dumped her," Caspar said, picking at a thread on his grey sweatshirt. They were laying on their bed and eating snacks. It was growing late and they were both tired. 

"I've dated about four people. I only dumped one of them and two of them cheated on me," Brian said. "Have you ever been in love?" Caspar asked him. He sipped some wine from the large dark green bottle. 

"I don't think so. Not until now, anyway. Being with you is so different from everyone else. Before you, I probably would've said I'd been in love before. But now I know what being in love is really like," he told him. Caspar's eyes were wide and his cheeks were flushed pink. 

"I love you," Brian said. He leaned forward and kissed his boyfriend's neck. "You're so silly," Caspar mumbled. "I really appreciate you making me feel better. I hate feeling so weak and sensitive. It's hard for me to feel so vulnerable."

"Hey, don't worry about it. I'd rather hang out with a sad Caspar and eat potato chips then dysphoric Caspar and eat lobster," Brian said with a yawn. They had been sitting across from each other for awhile now. Brian wanted to touch his boyfriend and feel close to him. 

"I think we should go to bed, it's almost twelve thirty. I'm not sure what we're doing tomorrow but it'll probably be early," Caspar said. He got up from their bed and clicked off the bathroom and overhead light. Brian cleared off the bed and they got under the covers. Caspar clicked the table lamp off and Brian pulled him close. 

The wind howled loudly outside and they could hear staff shuffling in the halls. The heavy grey blankets kept both the pale boys warm while it started to snow. They drifted off to sleep slowly, holding each other tight as if they would be pulled apart. 

-

It was eight in the morning and Caspar sat with Brian in a really upscale restaurant. Caspar's grandmother was asking him how he was doing after not feeling well last night. He was trying his best to come up with consistent lies. 

"I think it was the hot chocolate I had yesterday at the ice rink. It tasted off too me," he lied. "Really? Mine tasted alright. Maybe it was some kind of stomach bug...?" Brian suggested. "Whatever it was, I'm glad you're feeling better," Caspar's mother cut in. He ate a spoonful of oatmeal and tried to enjoy himself a little bit. 

"So what are you two thinking about long term?" Caspar's grandmother cut in after a few seconds of silence. "Oba!" Caspar shrieked in surprise. "Well, we're kind of all thinking it," Kit mumbled. "I'd say we're already thinking long term. We've been together three years. We haven't really talked marriage yet but I'm guessing it'll come up. I'm not going to rush anything," Brian told them. He sounded so honest and truthful that Caspar almost believed that they had been together that long. 

"Are you happy with Brian?" Caspar's dad asked. "Well of course. I don't think I'd be with him for three years if I wasn't happy with him," he replied casually. "We want you to settle down and start a family," Mrs. Yoshida told him bluntly. "Mom, I don't know if we're quite there yet, I-" Caspar tried to explain. Conflict was working it's way into the conversation. 

"Nonsense Katsumi. You're a twenty four year old woman, I think it's about time you start a family," Mrs. Yoshida cut off. "Mother, I'm- I'm not sure we're ready yet. It'll happen when it happens. Please don't try to force anything," Caspar said. He could feel this throat tightening. He curled his fingers tightly around the hem of his dress under the table. Brian grabbed his hand and let him squeeze. 

The breakfast had become awkward and tense. No one felt like eating anymore. The waiter appeared at the table to take their plates and give them the bill. Once all the food was paid for they left the restaurant and agreed to meet at the botanical garden. 

Brian and Caspar hailed a taxi and climbed in the back. They gave directions to the garden and settled into the car. Snow covered everything, but the roads had been salted in the early morning. 

"I can't believe my mom said all of that. It's so fucking embarrassing," Caspar mumbled. His face was buried in his hands to hide his frustration. "Hey, it would've been more embarrassing if we had been dating for three years," Brian told him reassuringly. "I almost corrected her when she called me a woman. I don't look like a fucking woman," he hissed angrily. "You honestly don't. She just sees you that way because that's what she's used to. She won't see you as anything else," he told him, rubbing his thigh. 

"I can't wait till this is all over. I want to go home," he mumbled. He felt twisted up and uncomfortable. "Hey, I know this is hard for you. We get to go home after this and then you can relax and be you again," Brian told him warmly. Caspar nodded and took his boyfriend's hand. Knots were twisting in his stomach. 

When they arrived at the large glass greenhouse they rushed into the garden, out and away from the cold. The couple wandered around the large plants and chattered quietly. Insects and birds seemed to be everywhere. A large and weird butterfly landed on Brian's head at one point. 

"Wow, his wings really bring out your eyes," Caspar teased. "This is weird..." Brian mumbled, trying to not disturb the butterfly. "It's a really good look. Maybe they'll let you take him home," he continued to joke. "Shut up," he glowered, looking up at his tall boyfriend. Just then the butterfly took off and landed gently on a nearby flower. 

Opal and Sophia ran up to them holding stuffed animals their mom had just purchased from the gift shop. They each had a panda bear that had a red ribbon around it's neck. 

"Look Kat! It's a panda bear!" Sophia said, holding up the animal. "I see! Do you know what panda bears eat?" He asked her. "Bamboo!" She shrieked before her great grandmother called her off to look at a bird. 

"You seem to get along with your sister's kids really well," Brian said as they watched Sophia and Opal pet the large parrot. "They're alright. I don't really have strong feelings towards children. They're sticky," Caspar replied, crossing his arms. Brian laughed and looked over at him with a warm smile. 

"You don't want any kids?" He asked. "I can barely feed myself, let alone a child," he said blankly. "Why? Do you want your own little gremlin?" 

Brian shrugged, "I don't know. It's a possibility I guess. Maybe when I'm older." He took Caspar's hand and they sat down by a large fountain. He stuck his fingers into the cold water and flicked water drops onto his boyfriend's face. 

"Brian! Stop! I have makeup on!" Caspar shrieked in protest. "I'm gonna fall in the fountain! Watch it!" 

Brian laughed loudly and grabbed Caspar's wrists. "You wouldn't dare," he said defiantly. "Oh, but I would," Brian retorted, trying to throw him into the water. He was too small to try and push him in, but he kept trying. 

"Knock it off! We're gonna get kicked out!" Caspar hissed. They stood up and Brian pouted in response. He glared at him and turned just in time to see a large bird flying towards him. 

"SHIT!" He yelled as it collided with his head. He fell sideways into the fountain, but luckily the water was enough to scare the bird off. 

Brian stood there looking at his boyfriend in the water with eyes wide. He had a cut on his cheek from the bird. The red dress he had been wearing was completely soaked and his makeup was running. 

"Oh my god! Are you alright?" He asked, offering a hand to pull Caspar out. "Yeah, I think so. My cheek just hurts and I'm cold," he said, taking his boyfriend's hand. He held a hand to his face and pulled it away to see blood on his fingers. 

"C'mon, let's get you to the bathroom," Brian said. "B, I can't. We can't go into the same bathroom," he mumbled worriedly. "It's fine, we'll figure something out," he reassured. Luckily there was a large family bathroom that he could clean Caspar up in. 

"Shit, it stings," he hissed as Brian tried to clean his parrot wound. Tears had pooled in his eyes and he was gripping his wet dress fabric tightly. "I'm sorry. I just don't want you to turn into some kind of parrot-werewolf thing," he mumbled, dabbing the wet paper towel against his cheek. 

"I don't think you need stitches but it's probably gonna bleed for a little bit longer. It's not deep," Brian told him as he peered into the mirror. Caspar wiped away all of his makeup and pulled his hair clips out. 

"This is excuse enough to go back to Gargoyle. I'm out this bitch, I've had enough," he mumbled irritatedly. They walked out of the bathroom and were immediately met with Caspar's family. 

"Katsumi! Are you alright?" His father asked worriedly. "I'm fine, dad. I just want to get this dress off. I'm really cold," he told him. "I'll have Akito hail a taxi," his mother said as she walked off to find her daughter. "Do you mind staying at Gargoyle until we get back or would you like to leave?" Mr. Yoshida asked. "I think it's best we get a move on. It's a two hour ride back and Brian and I have to work tomorrow," Caspar told him honestly. He walked off to gather his family to say their goodbyes. 

"Thank fuck. I'm going to die if I have to be around them any longer," Caspar mumbled. Brian grabbed his hand and they walked to the exit. Everyone exchanged hugs before the couple climbed into their warm and waiting taxi. 

"I'm so glad that's over. I want to shower and change and then we're leaving," Caspar said as the taxi took them back to the bed and breakfast. "I thought the garden was nice," Brian said off-topic. "It was pretty nice, except for the whole 'getting attacked by a bird' thing," he said, looking out of the window. He shivered and pulled his coat tighter. 

They arrived back at Gargoyle and ran inside quickly. Caspar pulled his wet dress off as soon as their bedroom door was shut. Brian kicked off his shoes and pulled his coat off as his boyfriend ran warm water in the bathroom. He pulled off his boxers and stepped into the shower. The door was ajar and the bathroom humidity drifted into the bedroom. 

"Do you mind if I shower with you?" Brian asked over the running water. "It's fine with me. I just smell kind of weird from fountain water, but I'm working on that," he called back. Brian stripped himself down and tapped Caspar on the shoulder to let him know he was behind him. 

"Hey! Can I interest you in some shampoo?" He asked, passing him a small bottle. Caspar rinsed the soap out of his hair and they switched spots. He reached up to grab a bar of soap and Brian kissed his jaw. 

"If you're trying to start shower sex it's not gonna work. We need to leave," Caspar teased, looking into his boyfriend's eyes. "Come on, it'll be quick," he nagged, wrapping his arms around Caspar and kissing his neck. "There's a time and place to fuck and this is not it," he said firmly. "Fine, but you owe me," Brian said finally. "Alright, if you say so," he agreed, kissing his head. 

They finished showering and stood in the bathroom drying off. Brian was fluffing up his hair with a towel while Caspar was thinking about smacking him. He twisted up his soaking wet towel and snapped him right on the ass. Brian let out an inhuman shriek and turned to Caspar, eyes watering. 

"I COULDN'T RESIST!" He shouted, cackling loudly. "YOU ASSHOLE!" He yelled back. He twisted up the towel that he had been drying his hair with. 

"Brian...don't...don't do it..." Caspar mumbled, looking at the towel anxiously. He was backing up slowly, unknowingly into a corner. His boyfriend snapped him right on the thigh and he screamed loudly. 

"That fucking hurt you bitch!" He shrieked. "How do you think I feel! You got me on the ass!" Brian yelled back. "They're gonna send someone up here to tell us to shut up. We need to get dressed and leave anyway," Caspar said, dropping his towels in a hamper. He started to pull on clothes and pack up his bag. Once Brian had gotten dressed they checked over everything and left Gargoyle, hopefully to never come back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok homies- there's homophobia in this chapter and brief descriptions of violence I just wanted to give a heads up. Chapter nine still isn't finished so the next update might take a little while I apologize in advance but I hope you enjoy!!!

"I'm thinking about leaving the city," Brian said one afternoon while looking out of the window. Five months had passed since their trip to Gargoyle in early December. Caspar looked up from the magazine he was reading on his bed. 

"What do you mean?" He asked, closing the magazine and looking at the back of Brian's head. "I'm not happy here. I want to start a band and travel or something," he said, tapping a finger on the glass pane. He turned to look at Caspar who was unsure what to say. 

"Well?" Brian asked after a long silence. Caspar had been staring at the magazine cover, entirely all too speechless. "I- I don't know what to tell you. If you're not happy then you should leave, but I don't want to say goodbye to you," he said finally. His throat was tight and he wasn't sure what to think. 

"Cas, come with me. I have money saved up, we can book a flight to London and leave," Brian proposed. "I don't know if I'm ready for that. We've been together for what, five, six months? What happens if we fly out there and something happens and we're just stuck out there with each other?" Caspar said anxiously. "I know you and I know how your head is always in the clouds. I just don't know how well this is going to play out."

Brian was silent. He looked from Caspar to the floor quickly. "I just don't want to say goodbye to you," he said finally, his voice small and quiet. "I know," Caspar mumbled back, looking down at his hands. Brian sat down against the wall across from him. 

It was afternoon and the sun was bright in the sky. The weather was finally warm and the couple would take walks together as often as they could. They would spend time together any chance that they got. They had grown so close over the past months. Brian would sleep over at Caspar's apartment all the time. They would nap together, eat, and shower all in each other's company. If the option of them being together presented, they would take it. 

"Brian, I am so in love with you. I can't just let you fly off to England, I can't say goodbye to you. I want this to work out, I want us to work out. I don't want this to put too much strain on our relationship. I want you in my life more than anything," Caspar said finally. "I can't let you go, I won't let you go." 

"Baby, come with me," Brian pleaded. He got up from the floor and walked over to the bed. Caspar scooted away from the wall and towards the edge. He wrapped his arms around his tiny boyfriend and tried to think. 

"I haven't been to London since I was eleven," he said quietly. His voice was muffled by Brian's black sweater. "Wait, what are you saying? Is that a yes?" He asked cautiously, pulling away from the embrace. "Yes, I'll go with you," he said. Caspar's dark eyes had pooled with happy tears as he stood up and looked at his boyfriend. Brian hugged him tightly and excitedly. 

"It's going to be great! We just have to sell everything and save up some more money and then we can finally leave," he told him. His heart was beating fast in his chest and he squeezed Caspar tightly. "It'll be tight for awhile, but we can do it."

-

A warm breeze blew over the pale boys that sat on the metal fire escape smoking cigarettes. The were passing a bottle of wine back and forth between them. The sun had set several hours ago and the starts were glowing overhead. The city clamored below them like it always did. 

"I'm just...tired, you know?" Caspar said after five minutes of silence. His head was on Brian's shoulder while he traced patterns into his knee. He hummed a response while pulling a drag. 

"I'm tired of working at the library, I'm tired of not living in the same space as you. I'm tired of not owning a cat and I'm tired of not being able to sleep in," Caspar complained. He was silent again before he spoke up about something different. "Do you ever feel like things are slipping away from you? Like you never even really had a grasp on them to begin with?"

"What's this about?" Brian asked after he had been listening awhile. "I don't know. I'm just scared of letting some things go, I guess," he mumbled, trying to not think as much as possible. "Hey, why don't we go to the cinema? We can go see a film to celebrate our upcoming trip to London," Brian suggested. "Babe, we're supposed to be saving money," he reminded. He finished his cigarette and flicked it off the cat walk. 

"Yeah, but it can be like one last hurrah before we have to actually crack down and save," Brian countered. Caspar groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Alright, we can go. But if we end up seeing something stupid I'm gonna kick your ass," he finally agreed. Brian let out an excited cheer and climbed through the window. 

They pulled on shoes and grabbed jackets before locking up the apartment and leaving. Their local movie theater was always playing movies, even if they weren't newly released. Caspar went to see a film once and ended up seeing Bela Lugosi's Dracula. 

The couple walked down the sidewalk holding hands and talked about whether to get popcorn or not. Of course Brian was the one that insisted on it. The night was warm and they were giddy to do something with each other. Caspar had to admit, seeing a movie together was a good idea. 

They walked the rest of the four blocks and got their tickets before purchasing food. They found seats and sat down to watch the Breakfast Club for the next hour and a half. When the movie finished they sat in their seats a little while longer talking. 

"You're Allison," Caspar told Brian, who was sitting and staring at the screen. "Yeah, you're probably right. I think you're John," he replied. "No! I'm not that tough. I'm probably Brian because I have anxiety," he argued. His boyfriend cackled in response and they got up from their seats and left the theater. 

The night had grown chilly and people were walking down the sidewalks in clusters. The moon was glowing in the sky and Brian laughed at Caspar's shitty jokes. While they walked a group of men seemed to appear from nowhere as they passed a bar. 

"Hey, look, there's a bunch of fags!" One of them yelled, pointing a finger at the couple. Caspar had been holding Brian's hand but now he was gripping it even tighter. They tried to keep walking and ignore the insult. 

"Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said there's a bunch of faggots!" The same man repeated. He grabbed Brian and shoved him against the wall. Two others grabbed Caspar and held him back as he began to assault his tiny boyfriend. 

"Stop it! Let me go!" Caspar yelled, trying to escape their hands. Brian was yelping in pain as the leader of the group insulted and beat him. Caspar managed to wriggle out of their grasp and deck one of them. He kicked the other man between the legs and watched as they quickly scrambled away. 

He tapped on the leader's shoulder and when he turned to face him, he punched him directly in the left eye. He yelled and held his face. Caspar grabbed Brian's hand and they took off running. They sprinted all the way back to the apartment complex. 

Caspar locked the door behind them and Brian sat down on the kitchen table. His lip was split and his face was gradually getting more swollen. His blue eyes had pooled with tears and it was obvious he was in pain. 

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry," Caspar said quietly, cupping his boyfriend's face. He pulled a ice pack from the freezer and cleaned the blood off his face. 

"Cas, what about your hand?" He asked cautiously. His hand was mangled and his knuckles were split open. "I decked both of them and it really fucked my hand up. My parents insisted that I take a self defense class when I was younger. I'm really rusty though," he explained, wrapping gauze around his bloody hand. 

"Ugh, this is all my fault. You were right, we should've just stayed home," Brian said, staring down at the floor. He was holding the ice pack to his face and trying to blink away tears. 

"Hey, don't worry about it. We didn't know that was gonna happen. It's not your fault," Caspar reassured. He felt terrible. He handed his boyfriend a bottle of Tylenol and kicked his shoes off and took off his jacket. 

They sat on Caspar's bed for awhile in silence. Brian was still holding the ice pack to his face. His eye was bruising already. His head was pounding and his face was pink from the ice. 

"That's never happened to me before," Caspar mumbled after a while. He had been staring at the wall in silence. "I haven't gotten beat up since high school," Brian replied. "I used to be bullied really badly. I moved schools a lot when I was younger."

"I'm sorry. That's gotta suck. I was always the rich kid who's parents made them do all the extracurricular activities. I played soccer, basketball, and volleyball. I also played piano and I used to sing. I didn't really have a lot of friends though," Caspar told him. "I was that nerdy kid that was always too busy practicing something to hang out."

"At least you weren't getting shoved in lockers," Brian replied. "That's fair," he agreed quietly. They were quiet again for awhile. 

"I love you, Cas. I would risk getting beat up for holding your hand if it meant I got to be with you," he told him honestly. "Aww, B, I love you too. I'd deck anyone for you," Caspar cooed back. He kissed his boyfriend's temple. Brian's eye was bruising a weird purple color and they decided to call it a night.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AIGHT DUDEZ, HERE IT IS. sorry it took me so long to finish this fucking chapter oh my god. I was busy with cosplay and I had minor writers block. ANYWHO, this is outrageously fluffy so have fun with it. Also, this is set a few years into the future just an FYI.

"SHIT!" Caspar shrieked. Someone had grabbed him by the hair again. He always stood too close to the barriers and ended up getting yanked around. He pulled his head away and made a mental note to pay more attention. He was standing in the area between the stage and the crowd, photographing his boyfriend on stage. 

Brian was singing into the microphone, totally zoned out to his surroundings. Caspar was the only professional photographer allowed to take pictures of the band during shows. He always sold all the pictures he took to the media. 

Brian glanced down at him and smirked. Caspar's eyes went wide and he blushed. They were almost finished with the show. After they were done Brian had promised they would spend some quality time with each other. 

His camera clicked three times before he lowered it to watch his boyfriend preform. He was sweaty and his makeup was slightly smeared. Overall, he looked fucking gorgeous. 

Once the set finished the band headed back to their dressing room for an interview. Brian was sat on a grimy vermillion couch smoking a cigarette. Stefan and Steve were also smoking, but on chartreuse arm chairs. The furniture and decor in the dressing room was absolutely appalling. 

Caspar was leaning against the door frame, taking pictures of everyone. The interviewer, a man in his early forties, was sitting in a burnt orange arm chair scribbling down answers to his questions. Brian's voice was hoarse from singing and he was tired. They were all chugging water bottles between questions. 

"Cas, come sit with me," Brian called, patting the space next to him. He padded over and sat down, taking the cigarette from his fingers and pulling a drag. 

"Who's this?" The interviewer asked. "This is my boyfriend, Caspar," Brian introduced. "How long have you been together?" The man asked. "Three and a half years. We used to live in the same apartment building," he replied. The interviewer hummed and scribbled down more notes. 

"One time I was so shitfaced that I almost did a line of cocaine. He accidentally punched me in the nose and I bled everywhere, therefore preventing me from snorting anything. I really owe Cas for that one. Snorting coke is not a good idea," Brian recalled fondly. The others laughed while the interviewer wrote down the memory. 

"What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you during a concert?" He asked the band. "Someone threw a bag of meth at me once. That was pretty weird," Stefan said from the corner of the room. "I turned it into security. I didn't want to be caught with it!" 

The group laughed and Steve decided to state his weirdest experience. Brian went next while Caspar soaked in the moment. He was utterly content listening to everyone speak and answer questions. He loved listening to Brian's voice, singing or speaking. 

"Okay, this one is for Caspar, what is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to the band?" The interviewer asked. The question pulled him out of his thoughts and he stared at the ceiling, trying to think of an answer. 

"Alright, I think the most embarrassing thing off the top of my head happened sometime last month. We're traveling via bus as of right now for the European leg of the tour and last month Brian and I had the bus to ourselves," Caspar started to explain. "Well, seeing as we are a couple, sometimes we fuck because that's what some couples do, right? I'm in the middle of giving Brian a blowjob and he's all sweaty and whatever. Just as it's really getting good Stefan and Steve bust right into the main lounge area. 

"Brian full on SCREAMS at the top of his fucking lungs and Steve just freezes. Stefan yells an apology and darts out the door. My face is beet red, Brian's eyes are the size of saucers and I couldn't look the rest of the band in the eye for at least a week," Caspar finished. Everyone was cackling loudly while Brian's cheeks turned pink. 

"What happened after they left?" The interviewer asked. "Brian just stared at me for a second before I went back to work and we forgot about it until the morning," he replied. Stefan went on to explain his part of the story while Brian buried his face in his hands. 

The interview wrapped within the next twenty minutes, but they hung around in the dressing room after the man left. Stefan was asking about the plans for the rest of the day. They had until nine to get back to the bus to start traveling again. The show had finished around three and there was definitely time to kill. 

Brian and Caspar stepped out onto the sidewalk to hail a taxi and get food. They were trying to find a good sushi restaurant for a early dinner. Caspar was excited to finally get Brian alone. 

The pair asked their taxi driver where they could get some decent sushi. Luckily he knew the best place and knew exactly where it was. They settled into the cab and talked about the interview. 

"You in a band or something?" The driver asked, cutting into the conversation. "Yeah, actually. I sing and play guitar," Brian piped up. "What about Bowie hair next to you? What do you do?" He asked Caspar. "Oh, I'm not in the band. I'm his boyfriend so I tag along everywhere," he replied. The driver hummed and nodded in response. 

"What's the band called?" He asked. "Uh, Placebo," Brian said absentmindedly. Caspar had been nuzzling the side of his face and kissing the space before his ear. The driver hummed a response before pulling over to let them out. They paid him before heading into the restaurant. 

A hostess lead them to a booth in the back of the busy restaurant. They sat down and talked about what to order while the waitress wrote down their drinks. Caspar's face was propped up on his hand and he looked at Brian, who was reading a menu across from him. 

Brian was completely unaware of the silver ring that was in his boyfriend's pocket. His eyebrows were furrowed and his bright blue eyes scanned the black menu. Caspar had told him that he didn't care what he ordered. He was more than happy to eat whatever. 

"Alright, I think I've decided on the California, dragon, and volcano rolls," Brian said, closing the menu and looking up. "Why are you looking at me like that?" 

"I was just thinking about how we met in a dumpy apartment building and now we're touring Europe with your band. It's so crazy to think about how things change," Caspar told him. "I mean, what if I hadn't gone to London with you? What if I stayed in Manhattan?"

"I prefer not to think about that. I don't like thinking about you not being next to me. You helped me cut back on cigarettes, I don't drink anymore, and I hardly do any drugs. You're like some kind of wizard," Brian joked back. He was grinning his gorgeous smile. Caspar could feel his heart beating out of his chest. 

The waitress had arrived with their drinks and took their order before walking off again. Brian grabbed Caspar's hand from across the table and started to play with his fingers. He was mumbling about how hungry he was. 

"Brian?" He piped up. "Yeah?" His boyfriend squeaked back. "We've been together for a really long time-" he started to say. "You're not breaking up with me, are you?" Brian cut in, sitting up and stiffening slightly. "No, the opposite actually," Caspar laughed gently. He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out the plain silver band. 

"Brian Molko, will you marry me?" Caspar asked. He was holding out the ring and his throats was tight. He could feel tears pooling in his eyes. Brian immediately started to cry. He was covering his mouth with his hand and nodding over and over. 

Caspar laughed as water ran down his cheeks and he stood up. He slid the ring on Brian's left ring finger and pulled him into a hug. He could feel his heart nearly explode. 

"I love you so much," he whispered into his fiancé's hair. Brian kissed him over and over before he laughed and wiped his tears off his face. "I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that," Brian said hoarsely. He grinned widely before they sat down again. 

They finished their early dinner and left the restaurant. The couple had decided to wander around the city for a bit to check out the shops. Brian was humming and holding Caspar's hand tightly. 

"How long did you have that ring with you?" He asked suddenly. "Three months I think? I was waiting for the right moment and that seemed to be it," he replied. "I honestly just thought we were gonna date forever. I didn't think we would ever get engaged," Brian told him. Caspar laughed softly and they continued to wander around. 

Caspar held Brian's tiny doll-like hand in his and thought about how happy he was. From cigarettes on catwalks, to engagement rings in sushi restaurants, he thought to himself, things always seem to be interesting with Brian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it!!!! Thank you to everyone who read this and commented nice things or left kudos. If you enjoyed this pls check out my Tumblr at anouhope and my insta at anouhopecosplay.


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